it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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