He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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