This dress was meant to end up on your floor
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
