4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
