you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
