can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize