Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
