exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
