i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
