everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
