I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
