Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
