FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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