Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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