today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
