Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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