Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
