Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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