If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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