She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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