My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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