Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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