just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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