Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
