I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pants are for mortals
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
