Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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