dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
