remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
