Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
