i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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