My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
