Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
