My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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