if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize