he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
