You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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