Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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