she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't turn off my feet"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
