Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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