Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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