I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
