After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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