I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
