you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
