I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize