Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
