i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
