first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She told me I should be a condom model.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
