that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
