This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
