Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize