hell yes lets make some ravioli
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
