just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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