Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
