If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
