I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
