My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
