I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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