just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
