I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
