if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize