Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
MIDGETS
????
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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