Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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